Fucking Hell

Hey, I'm officially back! Got a terrible virus and my laptop just crashed. It was ready a while ago but I never had the time to pick it up.
Yeah so news.
Well, I'm actually in a relationship...amazingly enough (: I doubt it will last long though, I'm not exactly great at getting close to people. Yeah whatever..

Weight wise - fuck not great at all. I'm still stuck at 120lbs. After Christmas, I'll go on strict diet called the skinny girl diet. I'm dieting with Fluo. Please take a look at her blog, shes new and needs our support :)

School wise - well finally on holidays.. although I gotta work hard, last year of school and all.

Ew, Christmas time... I love Christmas but why are holidays always revolving around food???? I'm not going to allow myself to binge. I'll refuse snacks and starters. I'll eat a small portion and only eat half of my desert. As for alcohol...I'm not one to restrict but it is a family event so I have to act "proper".

I promise to post my diet plan and new years resolutions and what not soon. Lets just focus on getting Christmas outta the way ok?

Stay Strong!
Freakshizz xx

I believe in miracles, you sexy thing

Well, I'm down to 120lbs :) WOOP! thats the only great thing about this week. I sorta fucked up my realtionship.. I may have sorta on impulse made out with my best friend. My boyfriend didn't like it too much,and my best friend, well lets just say shes not sorry. I am. He knows.
Oh well, fasting tomorrow :) should be good.

Ew.

Wandering around, in a confused daze. 

I've consumed 1000cals and I feel disgusting. 

. Why did I eat? Why couldn't I just say NO.

Do Not Eat.

But No. My fat body just wouldn't listen.

I followed the ritual of plunging my fingers down my throat, and bringing it up.. but not all. 

Footsteps hovering around the bathroom door.

Stop! before they hear.

Clean up and hop into the shower.

My stomach hurts. Its like its screaming 

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EAT THIS MUCH?

I don't know! I yell back.

Just this morning it was growling at me saying, feed me

Now its whining at me saying don't eat.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND...

My mind is made up.

I Want To Be Thin.

Fast tomorrow and Thursday, then Friday is a new start.

Call me strange, but the only days I like to restart on are Mondays or Fridays. :)

So I promised a complete update.

Listening to this song right now.

Amazing.

Hmmm where to start?

From the beginning right.

Last time I posted, was the summer holidays. I went abroad for the good part of August. Course I restricted and jogged like a wild woman. 

Then school started. Binge everyday, oh it was terrible.

Last year of school is so damn stressful, all the work and pressure. Luckily, I have discovered, unfortunately the hard way, that time passes quite fast when your busy. So I didn't realise I was getting humongous. When I did, it hit me how fast I had gained without noticing, so I started thinking, how fast could I lose without realising?

I did just that.

I went from 127lbs to 122lbs in the space of two weeks, which, ok its not a great amount, but I managed to lose it and get that much closer to my first goal weight :)

Thats whats happened in a nutshell. Sure there have been intense moments, emotional breakdowns and self harm..

But who wants to here about that (:

Lets just pretend to be happy and secretly wish the pain would Fuck Off.

I am back :)

I'm terribly sorry for disappearing for ages, had some issues with the parentals but I am Back :)
Ehm not much news, schools being a betch Last Year = shit load of work.. great =.=

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING?! c'mon gimme some news! :) I promise I'll post longer tomorrow, with a real update.

Love Freakshizz

PUTAIN!!

Fuck Sakes! Remember the whole no restarting...

well guess fucking what...yeah

binge

UGH! I'm so pissed at myself right now if I could jump out of my body and bitch slap my face I would.

Extra jogging tomorrow to burn the unwanted calories consumed under mild(ok not so mild) food insanity.

On the bright side, I feel myself falling back into my old state as I was this time last year. I had reached my lowest weight in August. I figure I could do the same this year only not repeat mistakes I made and keep to that weight. You know that state where all food just doesn't seem worthy of eating. Like calories are a rare currency and you gotta be careful what you spend them on. Well, oddly enough my binge today was on shepards pie. It was so damn delicious, I just couldn't resist. I haven't had it in fuck knows how long and it's a childhood thing.

Right... I hate to say it but Re-start. This is my final re-start. Come down on me hard if I say I'm going to re-start again. I need a random person with me, to be there and bitch slap me every time I make for the fridge. I guess I have to be strong and do it myself. I am thinking of drawing on my hand and every time I lift it up to open any cupboard or fridge, it will be there to remind me of my goal and current purpose.

 I'll post a picture of it in my next post :)

I hope you're all doing a lot better than me.

A new lovely wine stain on my oh so boring white dress...

Well, I am le back :)

I know I sorta disappeared there for a while but I needed to get my head straight and didn't have the energy to post. I've been playing guitar, I haven't been studying and I think the couch and my buttocks are more than acquainted now. I have taken up jogging again which I actually missed. Well whilst I'm jogging its a bit of a battle but when you finish and you can say you ran so far and for this period of time oh and you burnt so many calories, it feels better than good. When we push ourselves past our limits we become euphoric. Anything is possible but I prefer to think of it as impossible and make it possible. 

Now possible sounds funny (: Have you ever done that? repeated a word so often it becomes strange?

I've sort of come to be addicted to exercise. It is a bit of a weird addiction but once I start I can't seem to get enough of it. 

17 days till my holiday away. I can't wait. But then I think of the exercise I can do in 17 days and the holiday sort of vanishes from mind. Then the image of shopping and being able to try on millions of clothes and not have to look at yourself and think 'Oh Shit.. what the fuck is that?' pushes me even further. 

I've had enough of the restarting. All I seem to be doing is restarting. NO MORE! I won't lose weight if I think I can get away with failing and restarting, I want to get to the end and not be beat.

 I will reach the end.

And I'm off yet again on this never-ending journey

5 weeks.

7 kilos.

Can I do it?

Yes.

Will I do it?

Duh :)

This is going to take a lot of motivation, determination and plain old being strict.

I start tomorrow. 

Wednesday 7 July 2010.

I finish Thursday 12 August 2010.

Wish me luck.

xx

Eh, not good.

Well, a close cousin of mine passed away and yeah.

Not in the mood to do much at all not even  blog really.

hope everyones in a happier state.

xx

Take it all away please.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while.

I was hoping to come back weighing less and feeling thinner.

My tummy has gone down but I'm guessing sit ups have something to to with it?

I'm stuck at 123lbs and i want those 23lbs to go away.

Somebody take them please?

I wish we could push fat around.

I know it sounds odd but I'd find it easier if we could choose where the fat goes, I'd spread it evenly all over so as there would be a thin layer instead of a huge hunk hanging off my hip bone...

A lot has happened the past couple of days. And I don't feel completely myself at the moment.

A while ago, my closest cousin died, we were best friends. Yesterday, there was an article in the newspaper about her death. I'd explain but theres no point.

It's hit me again that shes really gone forever.

Somebody take away the memories and the pain please?

I'm not the most emotional person you'll ever meet.

In fact I only show one emotion, happiness.

I don't deal with the rest.

I usually push them to the back of my mind and let them sit there and sulk

because I ignore them.

However, this has been building up for 8 months now and its taking over...

I'm trying my best to hide it from my mum. Partially because she'll ask questions and partially because I get scared when she shows affection.

It's not normal for her to show she cares.

I want to live in my own fairytale world. Away from the harsh reality of life.

I want to go back to childhood, playing all day and not worrying about anything except

"will the shops run out of sweeties?"

or

"which colour should I use now?"

I guess my ideal world would glow. I am in love with glowing objects.

I become entranced by the glowing and I can't help but stare at it for hours.

I swear I have mild ADD. I keep changing topic.

I know I have mild paranoia, and I'm scared it will get worse.

Yes I am a problematic child.

Who isn't?

I think as many as six impossible things before breakfast (:

1. I was secretly born Russian.

2. Toys are secretly alive.

3. Music notes will one day start emitting themselves from speakers.

4. I will grow out of glowing objects such as glow sticks and black light.

5. My bedroom door will turn to jelly.

6. I will marry the Mad Hatter.

Yes, I do deserve a slap across the face..

I have lost that kilo from when the Period Bitch came. I have 5 days to lose another kilo.

I guess this means strict fast!

Aw man, I don't want to go to this dance. I don't have a dress and I just don't fit in in situations like that. I'm not the formal type at all, I'm more the get wasted and get high type..

Don't need to act all pristine and upper class.

I'm not a socialite. I'm the stoner.

Most probably why I am fat (:

I just don't feel comfortable standing around sipping wine,making small talk about the weather or the food. Oh God, THE FOOD.

It's a buffet anyways, so I'm in total control :)

Usually formal occasions you need to be skinny and elegant.

Theres no such thing as an elegant fat person I can tell you that.

Anyways, enough ranting about fat elegant people...

I'm starting to think about changing my look. I'm pretty plain and I hate it.

I want to dye my hair, I just have to find the right colour.

I'm hoping wash out will help with that :D

Either I go platinum blonde and get a short cut, or I let my hair grow long and dye it a reddish brown.

This holiday, I am getting my new piercings. Once I reach my goal weight :) I also need to be skinny by end of July! First July I'll be skinny and able to buy clothes and not worry about fat arms, ass, legs and love handles. Oh I can not wait.

And I have found a tattoo that i may actually like. It's a peacock feather.

I want to get it on y upper arm, with fantastical colours.

I'm too white for a monochromatic tattoo. Bold, florescent colours suite me.

Maybe even a black light tattoo.

I'd like to apologise for not being on in a while. Schools hectic at the moment. I promise to start commenting on blogs as soon as this week is finished! Exam Week you see.

A Total Ass Whore.

I am quite vulgar at times and I do apologise for it.

Stay Strong and Think Thin.

xxx

Brazil!

Ahahahaa, I'm a chick and I'm caught up in the World Cup Mania :D

Well, tomorrow, I start liquid fast :)

My plan.. GREEN TEA

I can't wait to be honest.

I don't know why, but theres always this excitement when starting a diet :D

I love it, its a form of motivation!

I promise tomorrow, I'll post a long post.

I know I don't so much of them, but I can't now, France vs Uruguay is about to start!

GO URUGUAY!

xx

Binge.

Urgh, Period Binge. FUCKING UGH!

I need to get back on track

Thursday-

Fruit and water

Friday-

Fruit and water

Saturday-

Liquid Fast

Sunday-

Liquid Fast

Monday-

Liquid Fast

And I'll go on from there.

Small post, but heres a little update.

I am going to prom with an amazing guy, exams are in a week, 4 weeks of school left, AND I HAVENT LOST WEIGHT.

that kilo that i lost? Period Bitch decided I needed to gain it again T.T

Turbo Strict Diet from now on.

Period, You Bitch.

Beautiful Blogger Award.

Beautiful Blogger Award.

Wow, what can I say?

Already I'm not good with words so I'm literally rendered speechless!

I want to give a huge Thank You to the wonderful Sun-Lit~

from http://searchingforsunlight.blogspot.com/

for presenting me with this award!

7 Things you didn't know about me

1. I suffer from mild paranoia. You may think ah paranoia isn't so bad.

Its gotten to a point where I question even my best friends intentions.

2. I love exploring. I'll explore anything.

I've been on building sites, forests, abandoned buildings, "No Tress passer" areas,

all because I have this urge to explore and discover new things.

3. I'm not one to talk. People tell me things in vein hope that I'll go and tell that person.

Unless you say "Hey, tell this person that", I won't. Mainly because I can not be arsed :)

4. I am a bit of a gaming freak. Yes, I am a girl :)

5. I find the colour black totally sexy.

My phone, iPod, headphones and USB are all black.

My future car and guitar will be black too.

Les Paul Black Beauty.

1969 Ford Mustang Fastback.

6. My favorite number is 5.

7. I detest complications. I believe in taking the simple route.

That goes for relationships too.

The Beautiful Blogger Award goes to

J'ai ete une fois une conasse maigre.

Raiinbowana, I love your blog. I can relate to it and I find your pictures are original and cute :) I find your blog in general is adorable!

Mini Me

Anita Marie, The first thing I read on your blog was Smoke, Feathers, Glitter, Lust and Hunger.

There, you had me hooked. I love your randomness too.

I don't think you can give this award to someone who has already received it, but I think they totally deserve it. And here they are.

My Attempt at being thin.

Cat, I know you have this award already but I think you deserve it a second time. You are inspirational! And your blog is absolutely amazing.

xxx

Searching for sunlight with ana past the trees..

Sun-Lit~ , I know you gave me this award and I am over the moon :) I think you deserve it more so I'll award it to you again! I love reading your blog. Your random names for your posts and all the pictures you put up.

xxx

The One and Only

doo doo doodoodoo doo!

I am in love with her hair :)

I just want to thank all of you for your support. Honestly, without you supporting me, I would have failed majorly and not lost a kilo!. hehe I know, its only a kilo, but better a kilo than nothing right? and hopefully the weight will just start to fall off like theres no tomorrow!

Guess What.

I am 123lbs.

123... 3 more till my goal weight and new dress!

:D

and to top it off, I found out, from reliable sources, my crush likes me back :)

oh happy days!

Don't worry I won't go all gospel.. I'll go all WOOP!!

:D

2 weeks and 4 days till prom.

LOSE THE 3 LBS!!

xx

JuneBug

Well, I think June cursed me.

I had around 650c today. I burnt around 150c.

Ew.

Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are easy to fast on.

I think I'll stick to that plan.

For the next 2 weeks, heres my outline

Mondays- 100c and jog, cycle

Tuesdays- 300c and horse ride

Wednesdays-Fast

Thursdays-Fast

Fridays-100c

Saturdays- 200c and jog, cycle

Sundays- Fast

Every day- sit ups, dance around for an hour.

I will be down to 120lbs by 21 June.

I have to work for it, but I'll get there.

Guess who's back with a brand new rap.

:D

Today was fucking awesome.

I had :O 100c. yes. 2 apples.

hehe, wow it feels amazing. I have control FINALLY:)

Keep this up and I'll be the belle of the ball.. well dance..

well I won't but yeah, I'll be better than what I am now.

I jogged for 20 mins and now I'm going for a bike ride. Sit ups later!

I have to admit, its pretty easy when you're in a happy mood.

So everyone, BE HAPPY :)

Everything fits in place and nothing can bring you down.