Fucking Hell

Hey, I'm officially back! Got a terrible virus and my laptop just crashed. It was ready a while ago but I never had the time to pick it up.
Yeah so news.
Well, I'm actually in a relationship...amazingly enough (: I doubt it will last long though, I'm not exactly great at getting close to people. Yeah whatever..

Weight wise - fuck not great at all. I'm still stuck at 120lbs. After Christmas, I'll go on strict diet called the skinny girl diet. I'm dieting with Fluo. Please take a look at her blog, shes new and needs our support :)

School wise - well finally on holidays.. although I gotta work hard, last year of school and all.

Ew, Christmas time... I love Christmas but why are holidays always revolving around food???? I'm not going to allow myself to binge. I'll refuse snacks and starters. I'll eat a small portion and only eat half of my desert. As for alcohol...I'm not one to restrict but it is a family event so I have to act "proper".

I promise to post my diet plan and new years resolutions and what not soon. Lets just focus on getting Christmas outta the way ok?

Stay Strong!
Freakshizz xx

I believe in miracles, you sexy thing

Well, I'm down to 120lbs :) WOOP! thats the only great thing about this week. I sorta fucked up my realtionship.. I may have sorta on impulse made out with my best friend. My boyfriend didn't like it too much,and my best friend, well lets just say shes not sorry. I am. He knows.
Oh well, fasting tomorrow :) should be good.

Ew.

Wandering around, in a confused daze. 

I've consumed 1000cals and I feel disgusting. 

. Why did I eat? Why couldn't I just say NO.

Do Not Eat.

But No. My fat body just wouldn't listen.

I followed the ritual of plunging my fingers down my throat, and bringing it up.. but not all. 

Footsteps hovering around the bathroom door.

Stop! before they hear.

Clean up and hop into the shower.

My stomach hurts. Its like its screaming 

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EAT THIS MUCH?

I don't know! I yell back.

Just this morning it was growling at me saying, feed me

Now its whining at me saying don't eat.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND...

My mind is made up.

I Want To Be Thin.

Fast tomorrow and Thursday, then Friday is a new start.

Call me strange, but the only days I like to restart on are Mondays or Fridays. :)

So I promised a complete update.

Listening to this song right now.

Amazing.

Hmmm where to start?

From the beginning right.

Last time I posted, was the summer holidays. I went abroad for the good part of August. Course I restricted and jogged like a wild woman. 

Then school started. Binge everyday, oh it was terrible.

Last year of school is so damn stressful, all the work and pressure. Luckily, I have discovered, unfortunately the hard way, that time passes quite fast when your busy. So I didn't realise I was getting humongous. When I did, it hit me how fast I had gained without noticing, so I started thinking, how fast could I lose without realising?

I did just that.

I went from 127lbs to 122lbs in the space of two weeks, which, ok its not a great amount, but I managed to lose it and get that much closer to my first goal weight :)

Thats whats happened in a nutshell. Sure there have been intense moments, emotional breakdowns and self harm..

But who wants to here about that (:

Lets just pretend to be happy and secretly wish the pain would Fuck Off.

I am back :)

I'm terribly sorry for disappearing for ages, had some issues with the parentals but I am Back :)
Ehm not much news, schools being a betch Last Year = shit load of work.. great =.=

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING?! c'mon gimme some news! :) I promise I'll post longer tomorrow, with a real update.

Love Freakshizz

PUTAIN!!

Fuck Sakes! Remember the whole no restarting...

well guess fucking what...yeah

binge

UGH! I'm so pissed at myself right now if I could jump out of my body and bitch slap my face I would.

Extra jogging tomorrow to burn the unwanted calories consumed under mild(ok not so mild) food insanity.

On the bright side, I feel myself falling back into my old state as I was this time last year. I had reached my lowest weight in August. I figure I could do the same this year only not repeat mistakes I made and keep to that weight. You know that state where all food just doesn't seem worthy of eating. Like calories are a rare currency and you gotta be careful what you spend them on. Well, oddly enough my binge today was on shepards pie. It was so damn delicious, I just couldn't resist. I haven't had it in fuck knows how long and it's a childhood thing.

Right... I hate to say it but Re-start. This is my final re-start. Come down on me hard if I say I'm going to re-start again. I need a random person with me, to be there and bitch slap me every time I make for the fridge. I guess I have to be strong and do it myself. I am thinking of drawing on my hand and every time I lift it up to open any cupboard or fridge, it will be there to remind me of my goal and current purpose.

 I'll post a picture of it in my next post :)

I hope you're all doing a lot better than me.

A new lovely wine stain on my oh so boring white dress...

Well, I am le back :)

I know I sorta disappeared there for a while but I needed to get my head straight and didn't have the energy to post. I've been playing guitar, I haven't been studying and I think the couch and my buttocks are more than acquainted now. I have taken up jogging again which I actually missed. Well whilst I'm jogging its a bit of a battle but when you finish and you can say you ran so far and for this period of time oh and you burnt so many calories, it feels better than good. When we push ourselves past our limits we become euphoric. Anything is possible but I prefer to think of it as impossible and make it possible. 

Now possible sounds funny (: Have you ever done that? repeated a word so often it becomes strange?

I've sort of come to be addicted to exercise. It is a bit of a weird addiction but once I start I can't seem to get enough of it. 

17 days till my holiday away. I can't wait. But then I think of the exercise I can do in 17 days and the holiday sort of vanishes from mind. Then the image of shopping and being able to try on millions of clothes and not have to look at yourself and think 'Oh Shit.. what the fuck is that?' pushes me even further. 

I've had enough of the restarting. All I seem to be doing is restarting. NO MORE! I won't lose weight if I think I can get away with failing and restarting, I want to get to the end and not be beat.

 I will reach the end.

And I'm off yet again on this never-ending journey

5 weeks.

7 kilos.

Can I do it?

Yes.

Will I do it?

Duh :)

This is going to take a lot of motivation, determination and plain old being strict.

I start tomorrow. 

Wednesday 7 July 2010.

I finish Thursday 12 August 2010.

Wish me luck.

xx

Eh, not good.

Well, a close cousin of mine passed away and yeah.

Not in the mood to do much at all not even  blog really.

hope everyones in a happier state.

xx

Take it all away please.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while.

I was hoping to come back weighing less and feeling thinner.

My tummy has gone down but I'm guessing sit ups have something to to with it?

I'm stuck at 123lbs and i want those 23lbs to go away.

Somebody take them please?

I wish we could push fat around.

I know it sounds odd but I'd find it easier if we could choose where the fat goes, I'd spread it evenly all over so as there would be a thin layer instead of a huge hunk hanging off my hip bone...

A lot has happened the past couple of days. And I don't feel completely myself at the moment.

A while ago, my closest cousin died, we were best friends. Yesterday, there was an article in the newspaper about her death. I'd explain but theres no point.

It's hit me again that shes really gone forever.

Somebody take away the memories and the pain please?

I'm not the most emotional person you'll ever meet.

In fact I only show one emotion, happiness.

I don't deal with the rest.

I usually push them to the back of my mind and let them sit there and sulk

because I ignore them.

However, this has been building up for 8 months now and its taking over...

I'm trying my best to hide it from my mum. Partially because she'll ask questions and partially because I get scared when she shows affection.

It's not normal for her to show she cares.

I want to live in my own fairytale world. Away from the harsh reality of life.

I want to go back to childhood, playing all day and not worrying about anything except

"will the shops run out of sweeties?"

or

"which colour should I use now?"

I guess my ideal world would glow. I am in love with glowing objects.

I become entranced by the glowing and I can't help but stare at it for hours.

I swear I have mild ADD. I keep changing topic.

I know I have mild paranoia, and I'm scared it will get worse.

Yes I am a problematic child.

Who isn't?

I think as many as six impossible things before breakfast (:

1. I was secretly born Russian.

2. Toys are secretly alive.

3. Music notes will one day start emitting themselves from speakers.

4. I will grow out of glowing objects such as glow sticks and black light.

5. My bedroom door will turn to jelly.

6. I will marry the Mad Hatter.

Yes, I do deserve a slap across the face..

I have lost that kilo from when the Period Bitch came. I have 5 days to lose another kilo.

I guess this means strict fast!

Aw man, I don't want to go to this dance. I don't have a dress and I just don't fit in in situations like that. I'm not the formal type at all, I'm more the get wasted and get high type..

Don't need to act all pristine and upper class.

I'm not a socialite. I'm the stoner.

Most probably why I am fat (:

I just don't feel comfortable standing around sipping wine,making small talk about the weather or the food. Oh God, THE FOOD.

It's a buffet anyways, so I'm in total control :)

Usually formal occasions you need to be skinny and elegant.

Theres no such thing as an elegant fat person I can tell you that.

Anyways, enough ranting about fat elegant people...

I'm starting to think about changing my look. I'm pretty plain and I hate it.

I want to dye my hair, I just have to find the right colour.

I'm hoping wash out will help with that :D

Either I go platinum blonde and get a short cut, or I let my hair grow long and dye it a reddish brown.

This holiday, I am getting my new piercings. Once I reach my goal weight :) I also need to be skinny by end of July! First July I'll be skinny and able to buy clothes and not worry about fat arms, ass, legs and love handles. Oh I can not wait.

And I have found a tattoo that i may actually like. It's a peacock feather.

I want to get it on y upper arm, with fantastical colours.

I'm too white for a monochromatic tattoo. Bold, florescent colours suite me.

Maybe even a black light tattoo.

I'd like to apologise for not being on in a while. Schools hectic at the moment. I promise to start commenting on blogs as soon as this week is finished! Exam Week you see.

A Total Ass Whore.

I am quite vulgar at times and I do apologise for it.

Stay Strong and Think Thin.

xxx

Brazil!

Ahahahaa, I'm a chick and I'm caught up in the World Cup Mania :D

Well, tomorrow, I start liquid fast :)

My plan.. GREEN TEA

I can't wait to be honest.

I don't know why, but theres always this excitement when starting a diet :D

I love it, its a form of motivation!

I promise tomorrow, I'll post a long post.

I know I don't so much of them, but I can't now, France vs Uruguay is about to start!

GO URUGUAY!

xx

Binge.

Urgh, Period Binge. FUCKING UGH!

I need to get back on track

Thursday-

Fruit and water

Friday-

Fruit and water

Saturday-

Liquid Fast

Sunday-

Liquid Fast

Monday-

Liquid Fast

And I'll go on from there.

Small post, but heres a little update.

I am going to prom with an amazing guy, exams are in a week, 4 weeks of school left, AND I HAVENT LOST WEIGHT.

that kilo that i lost? Period Bitch decided I needed to gain it again T.T

Turbo Strict Diet from now on.

Period, You Bitch.

Beautiful Blogger Award.

Beautiful Blogger Award.

Wow, what can I say?

Already I'm not good with words so I'm literally rendered speechless!

I want to give a huge Thank You to the wonderful Sun-Lit~

from http://searchingforsunlight.blogspot.com/

for presenting me with this award!

7 Things you didn't know about me

1. I suffer from mild paranoia. You may think ah paranoia isn't so bad.

Its gotten to a point where I question even my best friends intentions.

2. I love exploring. I'll explore anything.

I've been on building sites, forests, abandoned buildings, "No Tress passer" areas,

all because I have this urge to explore and discover new things.

3. I'm not one to talk. People tell me things in vein hope that I'll go and tell that person.

Unless you say "Hey, tell this person that", I won't. Mainly because I can not be arsed :)

4. I am a bit of a gaming freak. Yes, I am a girl :)

5. I find the colour black totally sexy.

My phone, iPod, headphones and USB are all black.

My future car and guitar will be black too.

Les Paul Black Beauty.

1969 Ford Mustang Fastback.

6. My favorite number is 5.

7. I detest complications. I believe in taking the simple route.

That goes for relationships too.

The Beautiful Blogger Award goes to

J'ai ete une fois une conasse maigre.

Raiinbowana, I love your blog. I can relate to it and I find your pictures are original and cute :) I find your blog in general is adorable!

Mini Me

Anita Marie, The first thing I read on your blog was Smoke, Feathers, Glitter, Lust and Hunger.

There, you had me hooked. I love your randomness too.

I don't think you can give this award to someone who has already received it, but I think they totally deserve it. And here they are.

My Attempt at being thin.

Cat, I know you have this award already but I think you deserve it a second time. You are inspirational! And your blog is absolutely amazing.

xxx

Searching for sunlight with ana past the trees..

Sun-Lit~ , I know you gave me this award and I am over the moon :) I think you deserve it more so I'll award it to you again! I love reading your blog. Your random names for your posts and all the pictures you put up.

xxx

The One and Only

doo doo doodoodoo doo!

I am in love with her hair :)

I just want to thank all of you for your support. Honestly, without you supporting me, I would have failed majorly and not lost a kilo!. hehe I know, its only a kilo, but better a kilo than nothing right? and hopefully the weight will just start to fall off like theres no tomorrow!

Guess What.

I am 123lbs.

123... 3 more till my goal weight and new dress!

:D

and to top it off, I found out, from reliable sources, my crush likes me back :)

oh happy days!

Don't worry I won't go all gospel.. I'll go all WOOP!!

:D

2 weeks and 4 days till prom.

LOSE THE 3 LBS!!

xx

JuneBug

Well, I think June cursed me.

I had around 650c today. I burnt around 150c.

Ew.

Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are easy to fast on.

I think I'll stick to that plan.

For the next 2 weeks, heres my outline

Mondays- 100c and jog, cycle

Tuesdays- 300c and horse ride

Wednesdays-Fast

Thursdays-Fast

Fridays-100c

Saturdays- 200c and jog, cycle

Sundays- Fast

Every day- sit ups, dance around for an hour.

I will be down to 120lbs by 21 June.

I have to work for it, but I'll get there.

Guess who's back with a brand new rap.

:D

Today was fucking awesome.

I had :O 100c. yes. 2 apples.

hehe, wow it feels amazing. I have control FINALLY:)

Keep this up and I'll be the belle of the ball.. well dance..

well I won't but yeah, I'll be better than what I am now.

I jogged for 20 mins and now I'm going for a bike ride. Sit ups later!

I have to admit, its pretty easy when you're in a happy mood.

So everyone, BE HAPPY :)

Everything fits in place and nothing can bring you down.

I don't like Limbo.

I feel I'm stuck in limbo.

I haven't lost and I haven't gained. I hate not seeing results.

I'm usually patient but these days I get irritated easily and I would like to see even the slightest change. Anything that will let me know that my efforts are paying off.

I don't know if anyone has ever felt like that. I don't know what to do. How do I get out of limbo?

What do I need to do to see major changes?

I'm writing weird today. I lack sleep and I'm irritated.

No, I'm not on my period. I'm frustrated with my body and the way I look.

I feel like crawling into a dark corner for a month. No Food. No Contact with anyone. Nothing.

Just me and my fat. Let it waste away as I starve.

I found one good way to help me get closer to my goal weights.

Goal Weight Rewards.

Genius.

I've decided to do the same :)

Some are a bit strange, but hey, I never said I was normal :D

Too many thoughts in my head.

And lastly. I have 11 followers :)

I get all WOOP everytime I see a new person has clicked Follow.

Thank you all for following me.

Thank you especially to the wonderful PollyDolly for mentioning me.

My first follower, and first blog I followed.

:)

I ♥ green tea

Green Tea is the first drink that has had a soothing effect on me :)

Just a warning, this post is a rant about my weird love life so if you don't want to know,

I suggest you stop reading.....

Now :)

Ok, complicated shit I guess. A guy asked me to the dance, and I said yes because he's really sweet. No, he is not the guy I like, in fact no one knows I like him. Today, my best friend tells me she is falling for the guy I like and she asked him to the dance.

He said Yes.

I am both happy and pissed with her. Happy, because you should have seen her face, I swear, it literally glowed the rest of the day she was so thrilled. Pissed, well obvious, I like him.

All day I've been on and off about going.

I will go, but I can't face them. I'll avoid him all night if possible.

The first thing she said was, I touched his arm and wow it was amazingly muscular.

I fell for those same arms and I knew how she felt but I had to pretend like I had no idea.

She went on about his eyes and his smile.

The very same eyes and smile that makes me literally melt inside.

His accent and voice, French but rough because of all the cigarettes hes smoked. How it goes lower and softer when he gets closer to your face.

Oh how his laugh is infectious.

His kindness and gentlemanly manners are rare.

How he gently praises everything you do.

His protective nature makes you feel secure and happy.

His jokes are amazingly funny.

His innocence when it comes to sex yet his guilt when it comes to drug abuse and law.

He knows how to care for a girl.

You may say oh its nothing big. This is the first time I've fallen for a guy after a catastrophic break up with my ex. That was a year ago. Its a big deal to me.

The thing I get out of all this? I'm not in the mood to eat.

Je t'aime.

It looks so easy when you're on the other side, but its never easy when you try.

This picture portrays pretty much everything I want.

I want to be as thin as the girl sitting on the car.

I want a black Ford Mustang 1969 Fastback.

I want to be the cool thin girl that everyone likes.

I want to be able to walk into a room and have a certain presence that leaves everyone in awe.

Sure it comes with attitude, but it also comes with looks.

Call me vain if you will.

I have had enough of not being noticed, of being considered inferior,

of people not giving me the chance to show them what I'm like. Lets be honest,

people do judge strangers by what they look like. The first impression determines whether or not you want to get involved.

I know you are seeing a lot of I wants, but I promise I will deliver. I need to build up determination and motivation. Not that I don't have any, but if I want to see results fast, I'm going to have to push myself.

And I will.

Down side, I did binge today. I've had around 800c. :/ Not Good.

I'll liquid fast tomorrow. I'm going out Saturday evening so, all day Saturday, No Food.

Sunday is Fast Day. :)

The most gratifying achievement is to be who we want to be.

The Elasticity Theory.

The Elasticity Theory, I made it sound a little more sciencey and grand than it really is.

This theory was designed to help stop binging.

By wearing an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it against your skin, every time

you feel the urge to binge, should act as a distraction, or a method for teaching oneself not to binge. Either way it stops you from putting food in your mouth :)

Side Effects - soreness and redness where band has been snapped.

Beware - elastic band may break,have a few spare.

I do not own this theory, it is simply a message I am passing on :)

Oh my, prom is coming up. Well, in all honesty its a dinner. Theres no dancing, just a sit down meal. However, I am required to go with a guy, or I won't be allowed in.

I hate this. I want one guy only to ask me, but it seems that he won't. :/

Two guys have asked me already and I turned them down because I want this guy to ask me. I'm seeing him on the weekend, maybe he'll ask me then?

I can't say no to one more guy, I'm going to look like a right bitch.

I've decided, if he doesn't ask me, I won't go. I'll end up obsessing over him all night and it would be shitty.

I'll weigh in tomorrow. I'm curious to see if I have lost weight. I certainly feel less gonflé.

I'm sorta scared though. Aw well, whatever the weight...enfin I got nothing, I better be down!

I feel I'm forgetting to post something, or I'm simply not posting enough. Bon, when I figure it out, I'll let you know :)

Stay Strong, Think Thin xx

I think I have found my new religion :)

I dream that one day I'll be that skinny and have a sexy tattoo

The Liquid Fast.

I think I'm in love with it :) It went wonderfully well today, I drank so much water that I wasn't hungry at all. I'm going to keep this up for as long as possible!

Hehe, I am so happy I found something that works for me :)

Sundays are fast days, no doubt about that. Possibly Wednesdays as well, I won't rush into fasting though. I know how I work and if I don't build up, I will end up binging BIG TIME.

I have to up the exercise! Theres no way I'll weigh less in 5 weeks if I don't put my

all in when it comes to being active. I can do sit ups every day, dance around for an hour or so,

I don't live in a safe enough area to jog around on my own, which sucks.

Only a small post today, but school work calls!

Adieu.

On dit que mon obsession me hante.

I stuck to 700c. I know its a lot but I would have fainted otherwise =/

I've decided to liquid fast tomorrow.

Allowance -

2 cups of green tea

1 orange juice- 111c

1 yop- 150c

as much water as I like :)

I may sneak in a lollipop if I feel weak

I need to sleep well tonight. Had a weird ass sleep last night O.o

I want long hair :) So I am growing my hair nice and long.. have to get rid of these fugly layers.

I have that type of hair that flicks out T.T My hair is wavy so if I let it grow long,

and get rid of my layers it should look decent :)

Right I have 24lbs to lose before August! Doesn't sound impossible :)

Well I have to lose at least 5lbs in the next 5 weeks, which is possible. Maybe even more?

Lets not get hopes up to high, I've done that too many times only to be let down.

I have to do this though!

I hate my rolls of fat.

I hate the fact that my thighs touch. Ugh, disgusting.

I hate that my arms are fat.

I hate having a chubby face.

Basically, I hate the unnecessary fat that clings and won't fuck off.

I WILL BE SKINNY.

Another dirty line

Omg, I really want those boots :)

I guess the excitements building up again :) I'm thinking about all the gorgeous clothes

I'll be able to wear once I'm skinny. Clothes just look that much better on a skinny person.

I sound so vain but is it so wrong to feel good about your body?

And to know you look good?

I don't feel good about my body and I certainly do not look good.

Just thinking that in a couple of weeks time, I'll be skinny and feeling good has elevated my spirits.

Everyone says looks are only skin deep, that beauty lies within.

Well we sorta rely on the skin deep looks to give us an idea of what the person is really like,

don't we?

I just can't accept the way my body is right now. I know what I want and I'm going after it.

Funny how we are taught to go after what we want,

but when we want to be skinny and go after it, its frowned upon.

J'ADORE DOC MARTINS <3