Fucking Hell

Hey, I'm officially back! Got a terrible virus and my laptop just crashed. It was ready a while ago but I never had the time to pick it up.
Yeah so news.
Well, I'm actually in a relationship...amazingly enough (: I doubt it will last long though, I'm not exactly great at getting close to people. Yeah whatever..

Weight wise - fuck not great at all. I'm still stuck at 120lbs. After Christmas, I'll go on strict diet called the skinny girl diet. I'm dieting with Fluo. Please take a look at her blog, shes new and needs our support :)

School wise - well finally on holidays.. although I gotta work hard, last year of school and all.

Ew, Christmas time... I love Christmas but why are holidays always revolving around food???? I'm not going to allow myself to binge. I'll refuse snacks and starters. I'll eat a small portion and only eat half of my desert. As for alcohol...I'm not one to restrict but it is a family event so I have to act "proper".

I promise to post my diet plan and new years resolutions and what not soon. Lets just focus on getting Christmas outta the way ok?

Stay Strong!
Freakshizz xx

I believe in miracles, you sexy thing

Well, I'm down to 120lbs :) WOOP! thats the only great thing about this week. I sorta fucked up my realtionship.. I may have sorta on impulse made out with my best friend. My boyfriend didn't like it too much,and my best friend, well lets just say shes not sorry. I am. He knows.
Oh well, fasting tomorrow :) should be good.

Ew.

Wandering around, in a confused daze. 

I've consumed 1000cals and I feel disgusting. 

. Why did I eat? Why couldn't I just say NO.

Do Not Eat.

But No. My fat body just wouldn't listen.

I followed the ritual of plunging my fingers down my throat, and bringing it up.. but not all. 

Footsteps hovering around the bathroom door.

Stop! before they hear.

Clean up and hop into the shower.

My stomach hurts. Its like its screaming 

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EAT THIS MUCH?

I don't know! I yell back.

Just this morning it was growling at me saying, feed me

Now its whining at me saying don't eat.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND...

My mind is made up.

I Want To Be Thin.

Fast tomorrow and Thursday, then Friday is a new start.

Call me strange, but the only days I like to restart on are Mondays or Fridays. :)

So I promised a complete update.

Listening to this song right now.

Amazing.

Hmmm where to start?

From the beginning right.

Last time I posted, was the summer holidays. I went abroad for the good part of August. Course I restricted and jogged like a wild woman. 

Then school started. Binge everyday, oh it was terrible.

Last year of school is so damn stressful, all the work and pressure. Luckily, I have discovered, unfortunately the hard way, that time passes quite fast when your busy. So I didn't realise I was getting humongous. When I did, it hit me how fast I had gained without noticing, so I started thinking, how fast could I lose without realising?

I did just that.

I went from 127lbs to 122lbs in the space of two weeks, which, ok its not a great amount, but I managed to lose it and get that much closer to my first goal weight :)

Thats whats happened in a nutshell. Sure there have been intense moments, emotional breakdowns and self harm..

But who wants to here about that (:

Lets just pretend to be happy and secretly wish the pain would Fuck Off.

I am back :)

I'm terribly sorry for disappearing for ages, had some issues with the parentals but I am Back :)
Ehm not much news, schools being a betch Last Year = shit load of work.. great =.=

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING?! c'mon gimme some news! :) I promise I'll post longer tomorrow, with a real update.

Love Freakshizz

PUTAIN!!

Fuck Sakes! Remember the whole no restarting...

well guess fucking what...yeah

binge

UGH! I'm so pissed at myself right now if I could jump out of my body and bitch slap my face I would.

Extra jogging tomorrow to burn the unwanted calories consumed under mild(ok not so mild) food insanity.

On the bright side, I feel myself falling back into my old state as I was this time last year. I had reached my lowest weight in August. I figure I could do the same this year only not repeat mistakes I made and keep to that weight. You know that state where all food just doesn't seem worthy of eating. Like calories are a rare currency and you gotta be careful what you spend them on. Well, oddly enough my binge today was on shepards pie. It was so damn delicious, I just couldn't resist. I haven't had it in fuck knows how long and it's a childhood thing.

Right... I hate to say it but Re-start. This is my final re-start. Come down on me hard if I say I'm going to re-start again. I need a random person with me, to be there and bitch slap me every time I make for the fridge. I guess I have to be strong and do it myself. I am thinking of drawing on my hand and every time I lift it up to open any cupboard or fridge, it will be there to remind me of my goal and current purpose.

 I'll post a picture of it in my next post :)

I hope you're all doing a lot better than me.

A new lovely wine stain on my oh so boring white dress...

Well, I am le back :)

I know I sorta disappeared there for a while but I needed to get my head straight and didn't have the energy to post. I've been playing guitar, I haven't been studying and I think the couch and my buttocks are more than acquainted now. I have taken up jogging again which I actually missed. Well whilst I'm jogging its a bit of a battle but when you finish and you can say you ran so far and for this period of time oh and you burnt so many calories, it feels better than good. When we push ourselves past our limits we become euphoric. Anything is possible but I prefer to think of it as impossible and make it possible. 

Now possible sounds funny (: Have you ever done that? repeated a word so often it becomes strange?

I've sort of come to be addicted to exercise. It is a bit of a weird addiction but once I start I can't seem to get enough of it. 

17 days till my holiday away. I can't wait. But then I think of the exercise I can do in 17 days and the holiday sort of vanishes from mind. Then the image of shopping and being able to try on millions of clothes and not have to look at yourself and think 'Oh Shit.. what the fuck is that?' pushes me even further. 

I've had enough of the restarting. All I seem to be doing is restarting. NO MORE! I won't lose weight if I think I can get away with failing and restarting, I want to get to the end and not be beat.

 I will reach the end.